


The only choice

by Clemlin



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 (TV) RPF, The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, Kissing, Mutual Pining, Romantic Fluff, Sexual Tension, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-07 09:21:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15216077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clemlin/pseuds/Clemlin
Summary: (After 5x8, Bellamy poisons Octavia to save Clarke, and then he finds out she loves him.)“We’re in this together,” Bellamy said, his voice low. “No matter if it’s right or wrong. I’m with you.”





	1. Stopping a war

“I can’t let you kill Clarke.” The words echoed in his mind.

Moments later, he found himself kneeling beside his sister’s body.

“I’m sorry, O”

Octavia lay there, so different from the girl who once looked at him with the softest love in her eyes. He wanted to find his sister under all the chaos and nightmare, but the more he dug, the more desperate he became, the more hopeless.  
“My sister my responsibility.”

He couldn’t make out the words she whispered before closing her eyes.

 

\----

 

“I just need to talk to her.”  
“Not happening.” Miller stood in front of him like a brick wall. “I’ve got my orders, Bellamy.”  
“From my sister, I know. I just need you to let me see her.”  
“I can’t,” Miller took a step forward.  
Bellamy sighed. “She’s going to be executed.”  
Miller paused, then shook his head.

“Sorry, still can’t let you in.”  
“You’re okay with this?” Bellamy searched Miller’s face. “Killing Clarke sounds reasonable to you?”  
“Octavia’s plan sounds reasonable to me. She’s the one who kept us alive for 6 years.”  
“And all I’m asking for is five minutes,” Bellamy shifted on his feet. “No one’s gonna know,” he added.  
“That never works out, Bellamy.”  
“Okay,” Bellamy sighed.  
It took him seconds to take Miller down.

 

\----

 

He walked in the cell-like room to find Clarke sitting on the bench, looking at nothing.  
“Clarke?” he said softly.  
She turned to look at him.  
“Bellamy?”  
She got up, walking to him.  
He felt like he was reliving the moment he found her, when he held her for the first time after six years. But this time, she was coming to him, as if this was the moment they were really reuniting.  
He involuntarily lifted his arms a little, as if he expected her to run to them. But Clarke stopped before she made contact with him.  
“Octavia let you see me?” She asked.  
“She doesn’t know I’m here.” He spoke softly, wanting to wipe away that wrinkle in her forehead. After his last conversation with his sister, he wanted to say more. Truth was Octavia’s weapon against him.

  
_A traitor, who you love._

  
He’d tried so hard to accept and tame his feelings all these years, having mourned Clarke every day.

Now that she was alive, all he kept buried was brought to the surface. He felt an overwhelming urgency to tell her how he felt. He wanted to say that he couldn’t stand the idea of losing her again. That even when they were seperated, it felt like she was a part of him, and he couldn’t let her die because his life depended on it. Not again he thought. I’m not letting it happen again. He wanted to tell her he was completely lost during his first years in space, the only reason he held on was so her death would mean something. He wanted to tell her that it took him years to stop imagining her everywhere he looked, in every touch, and eventhough he was ashamed of it… she was there with him, in the kisses he shared with someone else. That when he found out she was alive, he could finally breathe, as if he saw in color after a lifetime of darkness.

If he could tell her now how it felt to see her after the years spent in the shadow of her loss, would she-?

He swallowed. “We have to hurry, come on.”  
“What about Octavia? Bellamy, she’ll kill you.”  
Bellamy held her arms, looking into her eyes.  
“Don’t worry about her. She’s… she won’t.”  
Clarke stared at him, he would never hurt his sister. “What did you…?”  
“Clarke. Let’s get you out first. Trust me.”  
He was pleading, his eyes determined and desperate.

She nodded, “I do,” and walked out of the cell while he unconsciously kept holding onto her arm, which made her feel warm and comforted, and she didn’t want him to let go.

\----

When they stepped out of the cell, Miller was standing there with his gun pointed at them.

“Don’t move.”  
“Get out of the way, Miller.”  
“What did you do to Octavia?” Miller turned the gun at him  
Clarke looked at Bellamy.  
“She’ll be fine. She’ll wake up.” Bellamy said without flinching.  
“What do you mean?” Miller frowned, raising the gun higher.  
“You used Monty’s algea,” said Clarke softly.

Bellamy nodded. “She’ll be fine. It’s temporary… I had to do it.”

“I’d never think you’d hurt your sister. Guess six years changes a lot,” Miller said, his jaw hard.  
“Seems so.” Bellamy stared back at him. “doesn’t change the fact that we just stopped a war.”  
“And how exactly did you do that?”  
Clarke looked at Miller. “We made a deal with Diyoza. She’ll let us live in the valley.”  
“You’re gullible enough to think Diyoza will keep her word?” Miller shook his head. “You two keep making decisions as if you know what’s best for everyone.”  
“Look-“ Bellamy started but Miller didn’t let him speak. “All you did was leave us defenseless. Octavia is the one who gave us purpose all this time. She kept us alive.”  
“Not all of you,” Bellamy said, “I don’t know what happened in the bunker that made you all so...,” he paused. “But she was being reckless, she was willing to destroy the only place on earth where we can actually live, Miller. You know the worms will ravage the valley if we use them and without them we can’t win anyway.”

Clarke nodded. “Not without losing more of our friends. But now we have a chance to save everyone.”  
Miller shook his head. “I thought you’d have learned by now,” he said, lowering his gun slightly. “You can never save everyone.”

“Will you shoot or are we going to stand here forever?”  
“Don’t tempt me, Bellamy. I’ll shoot both of you if that’s what it takes.”  
“You don’t want to take a chance?” Clarke asked. “We’ve all lost the people we loved, Miller,” She looked at him like she was begging. “Now we have a chance to do things differently.”

Bellamy watched her face as she continued, “All we need to do is-“

Miller shook his head. “Kill Octavia? No way Diyoza will let her live. And I’m not agreeing to that.”

“You’re loyal. That’s good,” Bellamy said. “So am I. I’m not going to kill my little sister. We just needed some time to show her that peace was possible.”  
“And if you can’t? Then what?”

Clarke and Bellamy stood still, glancing at each other. “Then we kill Diyoza.”

Miller looked away, thinking.

“Octavia will still kill you for this. If she learns I let you do it, she’ll kill me too,” Miller said.  
“Don’t worry. I’ll probably be the first one on her list.” Bellamy said.  
“True.” Miller nodded. “That makes me feel a lot better.”  
“We can throw you in a cell, if you want.” Clarke offered.  
“No thanks.” Miller put his gun away. “I’m only half convinced this will work out.” He said looking at both of them. “If you mess up I’ll kill you both. Got it?”

Bellamy cracked a sad smile. “Got it.”

\----

Bellamy watched Indra and Miller talking, they were standing side by side in his tent, glaring at him and Clarke every now and then.

When they were done, they turned to Bellamy.

“Now, what’s your next move?” Miller asked.

“Now you tell everyone to get ready,” Bellamy said. “Tell them to start packing and we’ll handle the rest.”

“They won’t believe Octavia decided not to go to war.” Indra glared at him.

“Just tell them it’s Blodreina’s orders, they won’t question your word,” Clarke said.

“What will we tell them about her condition?” Miller asked. “They’ll want to see her.”  
“Tell them something that won’t make them panic. Just let them know she can’t fight right now. They won’t be looking for a war without their queen.” Clarke looked at Indra. “I saw her men risking their lives to save her in the sandstorm. Their priority is saving her life.”

“Exactly. If you tell them this is what she wants, they’ll believe you,” Bellamy nodded at Indra and then turned to Miller. “Tell them we need to protect her and this is the only way.”  
“This isn’t going to end well.” Miller looked at Bellamy. “I saw Diyoza’s men. They’re not the kind of people we-“  
“We have no choice.” Clarke said. “We can’t fight anymore. Not like this.”

Miller paused and then nodded, leaving the room.

Indra took one last look at them before she did the same.

\----

Clarke turned to Bellamy after they left.

“Are you okay?”  
“I put my sister in a coma, hardly the definition of ‘okay’.”  
“Why did you-“ Clarke began to ask him but she stopped herself. “I’m sorry,” She said instead.  
“Not your fault.” Bellamy said sitting down on his bed, his emotions were still too raw, he couldn’t really look at her now.  
“It is.” Clarke sat beside him, putting her hand on his. “I’m sorry I put you at risk and… I was wrong. Octavia had another plan. I thought I could help us but I… murdered Cooper for nothing.”  
“You keep forgetting,” Bellamy said, looking at their joined hands, scared to move his own. “We did it together.”  
“Maybe you shouldn’t really listen to me,” she said with a bitter smile.  
“It seemed like the only option, Clarke.”  
“That’s just it, what seems to be the only option always fails us. So maybe Miller’s right, I pretend to know what’s right and what’s wrong but I just make things worse.” She moved to get up but

Bellamy held her hand and pulled her towards him.

“Don’t run.”

Clarke stood still for a moment, looking at their hands, her throat was tight and she couldn’t hide how hard it was to swallow with the heat of his hand burning hers.

“We’re in this together,” Bellamy said, his voice low. “No matter if it’s right or wrong. I’m with you.”

Clarke felt her throat hurt, tears burning in her eyes.

“Thank you,” she stayed silent, not moving away from him, she didn’t even have the will to push him away. How could she, when he took risk after risk, even endangering the life of his own sister just to save her and maybe stop a war. Then he went ahead and held her hand in his, as if it wasn’t supposed to take her breath away.

As if they belonged together no matter what they did, no matter how terrible their crimes were. He accepted her.  
And it hurt. Knowing she wanted to stay here but wasn’t allowed to.  
Not when he belonged to someone else. So she tried to take her hand away from his but his fingers were holding onto hers so tight, she couldn’t. She didn’t want to.

Somehow, she felt in her heart that this was normal for them. It felt right and natural that they would be holding hands like this. Clinging to each other, knowing they had each other no matter what. This was just another perfect moment with them, the one perfect thing they shared, despite their flaws and mistakes.

She belonged with him and it was going to kill her, if nothing else.

She tried to find solace in knowing that she had him for this moment, and that would have to be enough.

\----

Bellamy felt his insides burning, his whole body was heating up. He glanced at their joined hands, where it seemed like blue flames were rising from their skin, enveloping them, binding them together.

“Clarke,” he began.  
“I should find Madi-“ Clarke interrupted.  
“Just give me a minute.” Bellamy moved his thumb along her skin and she shivered.  
“I’m already angry at myself.”  
“What do you mean?” She looked at him.  
“Clarke, I can’t do this again.”

Her mouth went dry.  
“What-”  
“Can’t lose you again.”

She swallowed, her heart beating fast. “I don’t want to lose you either.” But wasn’t it too late for that? He wasn’t hers to lose anymore.

Bellamy searched her eyes. “I mean, I…” he wanted to find the right words, not to scare her, not to push her away. “When I left you, I couldn’t deal with it. I regretted that decision every day.”

Clarke wanted to reassure him but she just kept listening, afraid of what she could hear from him, afraid of what she wouldn’t.

“You had to,“ she mumbled.  
“Let me,” Bellamy continued. “I wanted to turn back. I would, if I didn’t have our friends with me. I wanted to die with you.”  
Clarke felt like her heart stopped for an infinite moment, she felt her ears ringing, her chest aching.  
I wanted to die with you.  
“Don’t say that.”  
“It’s true,” Bellamy admitted, sounding a little surprised he could actually say it.  
“I wanted you to live.” Clarke slowly turned to him. “I’m glad you left. The fact that you’re alive, that’s… that’s all I wanted.”

Painfully aware that they were still holding hands, Bellamy looked at their entwined fingers and lifted her hand with his, with a small, sad smile on his face he couldn’t hide.  
“You waited for us.”

She let out a shaky breath.

_For you._

“Yes.”

Bellamy was still caressing her hand with his thumb, and it soothed her.

“The hope was what kept me going... Other than Madi,” she added. “I think without her I’d probably lose my mind.”  
“We’re lucky you found her,” he smiled, causing her whole body to warm up. “I’m glad you weren’t alone.”  
“Yeah…” She answered with a smile of her own. “She became my family.”

Clarke knew it was the same for him. She understood how much he cared for his new family: Raven, Murphy, Monty, Harper and…  
“I know,” Bellamy said. “I feel the same way. There are some things that…”  
“Some things just change…” she looked at him.

Bellamy paused.  
“Yeah, but… some things just don’t.” He looked at her, searching for something.  
“I mean to me… it’s all different,” Clarke explained. “Six years later and everything I know, everyone I know is different,” she glanced at him. Her face looked broken and Bellamy wanted to envelope her in his arms and kiss her eyes, her face, her mouth.

He exhaled and turned away.

“I didn’t-,” he said softly. “Not as much as you think.”

Clarke smiled. “You? You’re a completely different person now,” she said, missing what he truly meant.

Bellamy smiled at her teasing, his cheeks heating.

“Just did my best to survive.” He paused. “I…thought we lost everyone.”

Clarke stayed silent.

“I thought I lost you,” Bellamy said, making sure she heard him. “If I knew…” his voice was shaking and he hated how it made him sound.  
“If I knew you were alive, I’d find a way to return sooner.”

Clarke knew that.

“I had a lot of time to think.” Clarke said softly. “About things…”

Bellamy was looking into her eyes and she found it harder to speak with his attention on her.

She knew she wasn’t supposed to tell him how she felt. She knew it wasn’t fair to him, not when he had Echo. It would only lead to more heartbreak.

“I mean…”

His dark eyes stared into her soul.  
“I really should find Madi,” she pulled her hand away, getting up.

Bellamy shook his head. “What?”

“I need to keep her safe, Bellamy.”  
“What were you saying just then?” His focused gaze was burning her so she avoided looking into his eyes.  
“Nothing important,” she said, frustrated he was questioning her, annoyed with herself because she couldn’t tell him, and angry because she really wanted to.

Suddenly she wanted to do a lot of things, she wanted to reach out to him and kiss him like there was no tomorrow, to touch his face like she dreamed she would when she saw him again, to feel his hair slipping between her fingers, to bite his lips and cling to him as he held her tight.

“Clarke’?”

She had to stop looking at him, so she cleared her throat and exhaled. She had no right to tell him now. “I’ll see you later,” she said, starting to walk away.

Bellamy watched her, not moving because he was afraid of what he would do, afraid of what he saw in her eyes moments ago. For a long, beautiful moment, he thought he saw the same longing, the same fire he felt was burning him alive and it made him feel...what he couldn’t allow himself to feel.

Could he?

But of course, she was running away again. Maybe because she was the wise one.

Then Clarke stopped and spoke without looking at him, “I’m happy you came back.”

He swallowed, sitting still with his hands tightly grabbing his bedsheets.

“Me too,” he whispered, and she was already gone.

\----


	2. I missed you too

Bellamy was still sitting on the bed moments after Clarke had left his tent, thinking about their conversation, trying to find a way to tell her what he needed her to know. Was he being selfish? He couldn’t betray Echo. He didn’t intend to betray her but moments ago, he was pretty sure that if Clarke responded to him any differently, if she gave him any indication of her own feelings, he would pretty much just grab her and kiss her until the world ended.

Or... at least he could tell her how he felt. It didn’t matter what happened to them. He just needed her to know.

So did that make him selfish?

They were trying very hard to avoid a war, he’d just poisoned his sister and all he wanted was to tell Clarke he was desperately, pathetically in love with her. And if she, in any way, wanted him, he’d be on his knees.

 _Fuck it,_ he thought.  
_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

_Not the best timing, Bellamy._

He shook his head.

_She doesn’t want you. She doesn’t need to hear this._

But what if she did? Hadn’t she looked at him with that yearning in her eyes just moments ago? Wasn’t that real?

He didn’t trust himself to make healthy observations at the moment. So he tried not to trust what he thought he saw. He couldn’t burden her with his feelings now, not when she was worried out of her mind about Madi. He only had to support her, to help her. That was what he needed to do, all he could do.

 

\---

 

After telling Madi that Octavia had given the order for her execution, it was slightly less difficult for Clarke to convince her to let go of the heroic Octavia in her head.  
Madi stood still. “She was going to have me go to war with her, and then tell me she had you murdered?”

“I don’t really know what she had planned for you,” Clarke said softly, holding Madi’s arms. “But you’re safe now. We’ll go back home and then... once she sees that we can all live together, she might change her mind about the war.”

“Can we?” Madi asked, “really live together with those criminals?”

Clarke forced herself to smile. “Me and my friends were also criminals when we were sent to earth.”

“Yeah but they’re not like you... they’re different.”  
“I don’t know about that...” Clarke said. “We have to try.”

Madi nodded slowly, holding Clarke’s hand.

“Bellamy poisoned Octavia?” she asked as they walked out of the bunker.  
“Not for me,” Clarke corrected. “To stop the war.”  
“Obviously for you,” Madi said, raising her eyebrows. “You don’t need to deny it.”  
“What are you talking about?”  
“The Bellamy you told me about would never hurt his sister. But he did it... not to stop the war but to save you.”  
“All the same, I-“  
“He loves you.”

Clarke stopped walking.  
“That’s not-“  
“And you love him. So what’s the problem?”

Clarke opened her eyes wide, making shushing noises.  
“You found her-“ Bellamy said behind her.  
“Shit.” She jumped a little.

Madi smiled, amused despite their situation. “Hi, Bellamy.”

Clarke closed her eyes, exhaling. “You startled me,” she turned to him.

“I’m sorry,” Bellamy put his hands in his pockets, standing beside her. “You okay, Madi?” he said, leaning to the side to see her face.  
“Great now that Clarke’s alive, thanks to you.” Suddenly, she walked to him and hugged him.

Bellamy stood there, his arms still, not knowing what to do. Then he slowly hugged her back as Clarke watched.

Their eyes locked and there was something shared at that moment, they both knew but no one would speak it. Not now.

Bellamy cleared his throat as Madi let him go and looked up at him. “You’re just as brave as she told me,” she said.

Clarke closed her eyes with embarrassment. “Madi... now is not the-“

“She always said she was lucky to have you.”  
“Okay now...-“ Clarke moved to stand in front of Madi, pulling her back from Bellamy’s side.

Bellamy smiled.

“I’m the lucky one.”

 

\---

 

“You told her about me?” He asked when they were in his tent, Madi was sleeping on his bed and Clarke’s face was slightly pinker than usual as she packed their bags.  
“Yeah... I told her stories about us. I mean all of you.”

Bellamy’s smile grew bigger.

“Told her I was brave?”

Clarke dropped her head to the side. “...”

“And you were lucky to have me?”

She shook her head. “I don’t really remember saying those things exactly.”

He let out a small laugh. “So what else did you tell her that you didn’t tell me?”

Clarke glanced at him. “We should really think about how we’re going to stay alive-“

Bellamy nodded, “Right,” he said still smiling, which annoyed her.

“Why are you so happy right now?” She asked, watching his face.

“Why shouldn’t I be? We stopped a war,” he said with a playful smile, making Clarke raise an eyebrow.

“Clarke, Indra needs to talk to you,” Miller said stepping in Bellamy’s tent. “It’s important.”

Clarke was startled, taken out of the bubble she felt safe in a second before.

“Why didn’t she come herself?” said Bellamy, his mood completely changed.

“She said she needs to talk to Clarke privately,” said Miller.

Clarke considered while Bellamy studied him,

“Wherever she’s going, I’m coming with her.”

Miller rolled his eyes. “Relax, I’m just gonna take her to Indra.”

Clarke looked at Bellamy and then glanced at Madi’s sleeping form, and nodded. “Don’t worry. Just stay with her.”

Bellamy exhaled a deep breath. “Alright, but if you don’t come back in fifteen minutes, I’m coming for you.”

Clarke gave him a warm smile, leaving the tent.

Miller turned to Bellamy, raising his eyebrows, “Such a drama queen,” he scoffed.

“Shut up, Miller. Anything happens to her, you better shoot me this time.”

Miller shook his head and left.

 

\---

 

“Gaia has the flame...” Clarke whispered. “She wants to give it to Madi.”

She’d returned just when Bellamy had enough of waiting and was ready to shoot up everybody in the bunker to get to her.

Bellamy stood with his hands on his hips. “We won’t let her.”

“Everything keeps getting worse,” Clarke sat on the edge of the small table.

“Shh...” Bellamy came closer, “We. won’t. let. her,” he repeated. “No one’s going to touch Madi. You trust me?”

Clarke looked up at his eyes, they were so intense, she didn’t know how to look away.

She nodded, swallowing. “I do but it will be hard. Now I have to protect her against Gaia as well, without hurting her of course. Because then there’s no way Indra would keep helping us.”

“She’s the one who told you about her daughter’s plan.”  
“Because she wants me to avoid hurting her.”

Bellamy stayed silent, watching Clarke.

“What is it?” She said, feeling restless.  
“Madi woke up after you left,” he shifted on his feet.

Clarke looked at Madi, she was deep in sleep.

“Don’t worry, she didn’t hear us.” Bellamy watched her face, “She’s tired.”  
“Did she-“  
“She told me something.”

Clarke felt her heart race.

He walked to her and she stopped breathing. He was standing close, staring at her as if he considered doing something... he wasn’t really sure of.  
She felt like she waited forever for him to take a step back but he wasn’t moving.

“What are you-“  
“I missed you too.” Those words slipped out of his mouth like a kiss. They pulled Clarke’s heart out of her chest, leaving a claw mark bigger than the one the panther left on her back years ago, burning her from head to toe.  
“I...”

Bellamy stepped closer, suddenly looking bigger than ever, surrounding her everywhere. Leaving her nowhere to run.

“Clarke,” he whispered softly. His face inches away from hers. She heard alarms going off in her mind but she couldn’t really move.  
“Madi said-.”

Clarke could barely hear him over the sound of her heartbeat.

“What?”

He didn’t care anymore, lifting his hand, he gently pushed her hair from her face, and felt her shiver.

“She said you radioed me every day.”

Clarke swallowed. When exactly had that sneaky little-

“She said she listened to you sometimes, that you never gave up.”  
“I just, um... needed to talk to an adult,” She tried to laugh it off but he was looking into her soul, watching her in that intense, heart-stopping way of his.  
“I shouldn’t have left you,” he said softly, his hand cupping her cheek. She tried so hard not to lean into it.

Her eyes were wet and she knew she was going to cry now, she had to stop him.

“Bellamy we have no time for this.”  
“There is never enough time,” with that he leaned in, kissing her softly. His lips covering hers in a gentle, tentative way, slowly parting them. He moved in closer, grabbing her by the waist, kissing her deeper, thrusting his tongue in her pretty little mouth.

She moaned, shocked at how hot his lips were, the intensity of the kiss making her shiver. She reached for his arms, her hands traveling to his neck, fingers slipping into his hair, as she dreamed of doing for so long.

He panted against her lips. “Clarke-“

“W-we shouldn’t,” she whispered.

Bellamy touched his forehead to hers, taking deep breaths. “I don’t care anymore. I know how that sounds but I don’t. I can’t fight this. I need you.”

Clarke felt her tears running down her cheeks, she was ashamed that she felt happier than she’d ever been, so much that her heart could burst.

She moved her fingers along his arms, gently tracing them, trying to catch her breath so she wouldn’t faint because of his kiss.

He caressed her hair, gently moving it back from her face, touching her cheek, and cupped her face.

“I love you.”

Clarke let herself go completely, drawing him closer and going for another kiss. She caught his mouth with hers and tasted him deeper.

_To hell with it. We deserve this._

Bellamy’s tongue was everything. She sucked on it, drawing a throaty moan from him, which spurred her on. “Kiss me,” she said holding his face between her hands. “Keep kissing me.”

“I am...” he sucked on her bottom lip, moaning against her mouth, pushing his body against her.

Clarke wanted to tear at him, getting him out of his clothes and-

“Fuck...”

Bellamy stroked her tongue with his, making her tremble.

“Madi...”

Bellamy jumped back as if he was struck from behind. “Dammit, I’m sorry. I completely-“

“Forgot about her, yeah.” Clarke wiped her mouth, looking at Madi still sleeping on the bed and she felt like the worst mother ever.

She swallowed past the lump in her throat.

“We... um...”

Bellamy looked at her expectantly, his eyes completely dark as the night sky.

Clarke had to look away.

“We should talk about this... outside.”

Bellamy nodded, awkwardly putting his hands in his pockets, which was so endearing to Clarke, she sighed with a smile.


	3. I waited 6 years

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said when they stepped outside. “I shouldn’t have kissed you.” 

Bellamy looked at her, placed his hands on his hips and sighed. “I kissed you first, and it was a long time coming.” 

Clarke looked up at him, he looked wonderful, defiant and beautiful.  

“I’m not sure if we have the best timing, Bellamy,” she said, shaking her head. She brought her hand to her face, looking away from him. 

Bellamy walked towards her, reaching out for her hand. “Clarke, listen to me.” 

“We can’t do this right now,” Clarke felt like she couldn’t breathe. “You have Echo.” 

Bellamy stopped and bit his lip.  

“I-“ 

“I was being weak, I’m sorry,” She couldn't help the desperation in her voice.  

“Don’t say that,” Bellamy whispered. 

Clarke shook her head. “It’s unfair to all of us. I shouldn’t have…” 

“Stop doing that. I was the one who kissed you,” Bellamy said, trying to stay back, not to get any closer and do it again. “I’m the one who messed this up.” 

Clarke dropped her head in shame. “We should end this here and focus on our deal with Diyoza” 

Bellamy looked at her, his face hard, eyes glistening in the dark.  

“You think I don’t know that? I feel like I’m being torn apart, with Echo in the valley-“ 

“Exactly,” Clarke swallowed. “Echo’s risking her life for us. We have no right to do this to her.” 

Bellamy nodded, his voice resigned. “I don’t want to hurt her, but I think we should talk about this. Don’t you?” 

“I honestly don’t know if I can…” Clarke avoided his gaze. “Please, act like this never happened.” 

Bellamy stared at her, “Don’t ask that of me, Clarke.” 

Clarke exhaled, frustrated and angry at him. “I waited 6 years for you to come back to me! Don’t you think I want this? I love you!“ Clarke realized she was yelling, and she lowered her voice, looking at Bellamy’s devastated face. 

“It’s just the wrong time…” she said softly. “Please, don’t make this worse than it already is.” 

“I didn’t know you were alive,” Bellamy said when she turned back to return to the tent. “I would never… if I knew-“ 

Clarke hated the strain in his voice, hated that he was crying. She didn’t need this now.  She couldn’t deal with Bellamy crying. The last thing she ever wanted to do was see him sad. She forced herself not to look at him, to keep walking. If she turned back, there was no way she could stay away. She’d find herself in his arms, touching his face, kissing his tears away. 

She took another step and entered the tent, leaving him alone in the dark. 

 

\--- 

 

“Clarke?” 

Madi woke up, sitting on the bed. “I heard yelling.” 

“It’s… it’s okay,” Clarke rubbed her eyes. 

“Did you have a fight with Bellamy?” 

“No… Madi… you don’t need to worry about it.” 

“Was it because of what I said?” Madi said. 

“No…” she shook her head. “Bellamy and I… we’ll be fine.” 

Madi watched her carefully. “Then why do you look so sad?” 

Clarke sighed.  

“I really can’t talk about this now, just rest. We have a big day ahead of us.” 

“You know you can talk to me,” said Madi. “Like you used to.” 

Clarke felt more tears welling up in her eyes. 

“Or you can talk to Bellamy… like you used to before they came back.” 

Clarke sat on the small table, dropping her head. 

“I can’t talk to him-“ she said softly, keeping her voice low. 

“But why not? You said he understood you better than anyone else. You said-” 

“Madi, it’s complicated, okay? You’ll understand when you’re older.” 

“I understand you’re scared.” 

Clarke closed her eyes. She had no idea.  

“Scared… doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel. I’m just exhausted, terrified and I can’t be selfish with him. He has someone he loves, who doesn’t deserve this.” 

“So?” Madi said, “He loves you.” 

“That’s not my decision to make. Not yours, either,” Clarke said, getting up. 

“So if he says he chooses you, then you’ll stop being sad?” 

Clarke shook her head. “Can we please stop talking about this?” 

Madi stayed silent for a moment, than asked, “You were afraid he’d never come back, now he did. He’s here, Clarke.” 

Clarke looked at her.  

“It’s not that simple.” 

“Then make it simple. Just ask him to choose.” 

“I have no right to do that.” Clarke raised her voice, her patience wearing thin. “I have no right to ask anything, to demand anything from him. He’s not mine to claim.” 

“You think you don’t deserve him,” Madi observed. “Why?” 

“Because-“ Clarke started, her voice trembling, “He’s… he needs someone who loves him and makes him happy. If I could be that person, we wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.” 

“I know how much you love him,” Madi said, “I know you spoke to him every day. You missed him the most.” 

Clarke nodded, unable to deny it. “That doesn’t change anything. I figured it out too late. Get it? I was too late. He has no fault in this. I messed it up.” 

With that, she lay down on the bed, her back turned to Madi without another word. 

 

 

\--- 

Bellamy was standing outside, his eyes closed, trying to refrain from barging in and telling Clarke that she was wrong about everything other than he loved her and he didn’t care how much time it took for her to see it.  

But he knew she was right. 

He couldn’t hurt Echo, he couldn’t just walk away. It was messing with his head, the thought of loving them both. Echo was important to him. But Clarke?  

She was on a whole different level. 

Loving her came naturally. He realized long before that he was in love with her, he needed her in a way he didn’t need anyone else. His feelings often confused him, agonized him and left him desperate to be close to her, no matter how. 

He knew without a doubt that they belonged together, and the idea of losing her again nearly drove him insane. He tried to think of a way out, but he knew the truth. He wouldn’t betray Echo, he remembered his promise to her. _“_ _Nothing_ _will_ _change_ _on_ _the_ _ground_ _._ _”_  

He sighed, his promise didn’t include a very much alive Clarke, and how good was a promise with conditions?  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate kudos and comments! Let me know how you like the story!


	4. Enemies of Wonkru

“I told you, they won’t listen to us,” Miller said, shaking his head. “Everyone keeps talking about Octavia’s sickness already. This won’t be easy.”

Bellamy dropped his head, “I know that,” he looked up, his eyes meeting Clarke’s across the room, who’d been avoiding him since the night before. “But we have to try.”

“We need a back-up plan,” Miller raised his voice to get Bellamy’s attention. “I’m standing right here,” he whispered forecefully, waving his hand in the air when he realized Bellamy couldn’t take his eyes off Clarke.

“Cut that out,” Bellamy said, frowning.

“Excuse me, can we deal with the situation at hand first, and just stop making moon-eyes for a damn second?”

Bellamy nodded, “Look, if Indra tells them they need to surrender-“

“Trust me, there will be many who won’t accept her as their leader. Especially when they’re so ready to go to war,” said Miller.

“What do you suggest?” Clarke asked, closer to them now, which made Bellamy feel ridiculously uneasy.

“When Indra tells them we shouldn’t go to war, I’ll challenge her before someone else does.”

“How will that help us?” Bellamy said.

“I’ll tell them Blodreina put me in charge and she changed her mind about marching on the valley.”

“If they defy Indra,” Clarke said, “They might just easily defy you.”

“Yeah, that’s not a great back-up plan. You might actually make things worse.”

Miller raised his eyebrows.  
“What do you suggest then?”

“Indra will tell them to follow her so we can get to peace,” Bellamy said.

“And if they challenge her, you’ll support her,” added Clarke.

“They might still want to go to war.”

Clarke sighed, looking at Bellamy.  
“Then we convince them they will die trying.”

“That might not persuade them to surrender.”

“Can you please stop thinking of the worst-case scenario?” Bellamy asked.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our whole life is a worst-case scenario,” Miller said, starting to count: “Raised on a space ship where people were floated for wasting oxygen, then we got sent to earth to die, lost the people we loved fighting grounders, mountain men, an evil AI, not to mention the freaking Nuclear Apocalypse. Oh and the six years we spent down here to survive? It wasn’t exactly the time of my life. How you like my positivity now?” He snapped.

Bellamy stared. “You’re getting better at it. We’ll figure out something else,” he glanced at Clarke, “Like we always do.”

“Miller’s right,” Clarke said softly to Bellamy, when they were alone in the room.

“Look, we can only try and see for ourselves. We can’t worry about every possible problem right now.”

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, how’s Octavia doing?” she asked, her voice gentle.

“Jackson said she was getting worse,” Bellamy looked down. “Miller pretended to question me and I told them we were sharing the same rations.”

Clarke saw him tear up, and he kept looking away.  
“Bellamy,” she reached out to put her hand on his arm but stopped herself, dropping her hand. “She’ll be fine.”

“I poisoned my sister, Clarke.”

Clarke nodded, “I know, but she was willing to destroy the last survivable-“

Bellamy closed his eyes, his lips curving with a sad smile.  
“That’s not-“

Clarke was frowning, watching him with so much compassion in her eyes, it killed him _._ He had to smile at how clueless she was when it came to what she meant to him.

“It’s not the only reason why I did it. You have to know that by now.”

Clarke felt like her heart stopped beating for a second. “Bellamy…”

“She was going to kill you,” Bellamy said. “That’s why I did it. Not the war… not really.”

Clarke stayed still for a moment, her eyes like glass, she didn’t speak.

Bellamy bit his lip, his jaw clenched. “I couldn’t let you die,” he said, sounding choked. “I won’t – I can’t go through that again.”

Clarke let out a small sigh, closing her eyes.

“I didn’t know what else to do-“

“Bellamy, she’ll wake up. Like you said, after Indra takes over we can leave-”

“I need you with me,” Bellamy said softly. “when Wonkru surrenders, we’ll go together.”

Clarke seemed taken aback. “Together,” she nodded.

“In the meantime, stay here and try not to draw any attention, I need to go with Indra and Miller to see how it goes.”

“Wait,” Clarke said just as he was about to open the door.

Bellamy turned to look at her.

“It’ll be okay,” she said finally.  
He nodded, a small smile on his lips, and he left.

***

“Blodreina has fallen ill. These may be her final hours,” Indra said to the crowd.

The words echoed in his mind like a curse. He felt like he was falling in a bottomless pit.

“I trained Octavia, and I love her as I love my own child. I advised her, and led her army with pride. It was her desire that if she should ever fall, I step forward to lead you.”

There were some whispers among the crowd questioning Indra’s words. Bellamy looked at Miller to encourage him to speak up. Miller stepped forward.

“She’s telling the truth. Blodreina trusted Indra. So do I.”

People started whispering again and Bellamy heard a few of them agree with Miller, saying Indra could lead them.  
But some of them seemed displeased.

Indra nodded at Miller and continued, “Blodreina wanted what we all want, to live a better life in Shallow Valley, and we will, but not through war, not when there's a better way,”

She paused and softened her voice. “I will negotiate for Wonkru to enter the valley peacefully so that no more shall suffer.”

The whispers got louder, and Bellamy shifted restlessly.

“Blodreina told us to march on the valley!” Someone shouted.

Indra turned to him, “For the last 6 years, we have lost hundreds of our people. We can't afford to lose any more.”

A woman stepped forward, “You’re not the Commander! The clan delegates should reassemble and choose the next leader.”

“There are no more clans, you know that! There’s only Wonkru and enemies of Wonkru,” spat Miller.

Indra continued carefully, “I'm not asking you to follow me. I'm asking you to follow Octavia,” she said. “She wanted Wonkru to live in the valley. We can do that, through peace. This is also how we keep her safe when she’s in such a vulnerable state.”

Miller nodded, standing beside Indra.

Bellamy watched Wonkru whisper and discuss it among themselves. When he thought it was finally going well, a woman stepped forward.

“Blodreina wouldn’t want us to surrender. She ordered us to march on the valley, so we march for Blodreina!”

Someone else joined her. “Gon Blodreina!”

The voices got louder. “Gon Blodreina Gon Blodreina! Gon Blodreina! Gon Blodreina! Gon Blodreina!”

Miller and Indra looked at each other, then at Bellamy.

Indra came towards him. “We can’t stop this, Bellamy.” She turned to look at Madi. “But there's someone who can.”

Bellamy stared at Indra. “What are you saying?”

“She is a Nightblood. She can take the flame and become a real commander, the commander Wonkru wants.”

Bellamy’s eyes widened for a second and then he shook his head. “No way in hell am I letting the child anywhere near the flame.”

Indra sighed. “Then we go to war anyway, and your friends die,” she paused. “So does Clarke.”

Miller was watching the crowd a few feet away from them, he glanced nervously at Bellamy, as if to say, “I told you all hell would break loose.”

Bellamy exhaled, finding it hard to breathe.

How could they risk Madi’s life?

Did they have another choice?

 

When Clarke said it would be okay, he’d wanted to believe her. But it wasn’t okay. Not even close.

It was so far from okay that Bellamy didn’t know if they’d see okay ever again.  
But he had to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know how you like the story. I appreciate comments & kudos.


	5. You can't save everyone

“Clarke, we have no other choice. You know what a Commander means to the Grounders. If Madi takes the flame, they will listen to her-”

“That’s not true, we have another choice. We leave now, we take Madi and go before Octavia wakes up.”

_We._

How easy it was for her to call them “we”, so eager to leave everyone else behind. But what would happen then? Wonkru would still go to war. Her friends would die, the valley would be destroyed. They would have no future. None of them.

Bellamy tried again, wanting to make Clarke see reason.

“ _If_ she wakes up, we’ll be in the valley and she’ll see what peace is like. Madi will be safe.”

“You are endangering her just by making her the Commander, Bellamy. Which makes her your sister’s target! Not to mention the grounders who are loyal to her!”

Bellamy shook his head. “Clarke, please listen-“

“I am listening. You’re telling me you want to give the flame to Madi when you promised to protect her!”

“And I will - with my life. Gaia and I-”

“What if she dies when you put the flame in her? What if she doesn’t wake up?” Clarke struggled to breathe, her eyes were blurred with tears.

Bellamy was thinking the exact same thing about her sister.

“I know how you feel,” he said “I am trying to find a way for all of us to survive, to save our friends-“

“Madi is just a child!” Clarke cried.

Bellamy sighed. “If she were any other child, someone you didn’t spend the last six years with, you’d be forcing the flame on her, Clarke! As you tried to do to Luna, remember? How is this different?”

“She’s my family!” Clarke’s tears were now running down her cheeks.

Bellamy watched her, trying to keep it together.

"Clarke, people still believe in the Flame-"

She shook her head. “I don’t care how many of these people believe in it, they believe in Blodreina more. Now let’s take her and and get the hell out of here.”

Bellamy swallowed, stepping in front of her. She wasn’t thinking straight. Her only focus was on Madi and keeping her safe, which is what he wanted to do as well. He understood that Madi was her family but she expected him to abandon his. Hadn’t he already sacrificed? Risking his sister’s life-

He looked up at her,

“Echo, Raven, Murphy, and Emori are my family,” he said, needing her to understand that he couldn’t leave them behind. “I can’t let them die. We have a chance with Madi to save everyone. I have to take it.”

The door opened and Miller stepped in.

“What the hell are you two screaming about?”

“Let me out, Miller,” Clarke said walking to him.

Miller shook his head.

“There are guards everywhere. Octavia’s situation is getting worse. You can’t be seen outside at the moment. They will shoot you where you stand.”

“I don’t care-“ Clarke started to speak but Bellamy stepped closer.

“You need to stay here until Wonkru surrenders,” he said softly.

“You can’t keep me here, Bellamy!”

Bellamy’s jaw clenched.

“I’m sorry.”

He glanced at Miller who caught Clarke’s arm to handcuff her.

“Sorry,” Miller mumbled, not meeting her eyes as he successfully avoided getting headbutted by her.

He quickly distanced himself from Clarke after handcuffing her and left the room before she could grab or kick him.

“Bellamy! Don’t do this!” She yelled as he stood by the door, fighting himself.

He wanted this to be over, he wanted to skip all the horrible parts and take them to the Valley where everyone would be safe. Then she’d see this was the only choice. If he could calm her down, make her see what he knew was the right thing to do to save everyone…

But he couldn’t speak, couldn’t even look at her as she cried. He was afraid that if he did, he would forget about everything else and just-

“You said that you'd protect her! You said you'd keep her safe!”

He felt shameful and helpless. He was letting her down, when all he ever wanted was keep her safe. He slowly opened the door and left. His heart breaking into pieces as he heard Clarke call out his name.

“Bellamy! She’s all I have!” Clarke sobbed, hitting the door.

Bellamy closed his eyes for a moment before he took another step, and then another until he couldn’t hear her cries.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Now what?” Miller said, standing beside Indra.

Bellamy tried to think, Clarke’s voice was still ringing in his ears.

“I—we will speak to Madi. Gaia and I.”

Miller frowned. “Tell me you won’t force the girl to take that thing.”

Bellamy shook his head. “I won’t.”

“So you’ll let Gaia talk her into it?”

Indra sighed. “I don’t like it either but Bellamy’s right. This is the only choice we have right now.”

“I’ll speak to Gaia,” She said slowly, leaving them.

Bellamy nodded, restless with Clarke on the back of his mind.

Miller watched him and Bellamy met his gaze.

“We’ll just explain the situation to Madi and let her choose for herself.”

“Telling her Clarke will be executed is hell of a way to let her choose.”

Bellamy let out a sigh.

“What the hell do you want me to do, Mill? You think I’d ask her to put that damn thing in her head if we had another choice? The last thing I wanna do is put that responsibility on a child-“ Clarke’s words echoed in his head. “If you have any other suggestions, I’m all ears.”

Miller rolled his eyes. “I hear you but if she does this her life will be-”

“It’s already in danger,” Bellamy said, exhausted. “We’re all dead if we can’t stop the war. How the hell do I save everyone if we fail?”

Miller shook his head. “I told you before, you can’t save everyone.”

Bellamy covered his eyes with his hand. “Not even those I promised to protect.”

Miller looked away and Bellamy knew he remembered Bryan.

“We’re pretty good at failing those we love, I guess,” he said.

Bellamy’s lips curved with a sad smile. “Clarke... she’ll hate me for this. Hell... _I_ hate me. I’m pretty sure she’ll actually kill me with her bare hands. But I’d rather have her mad at me and alive than-“

Miller smiled. “You’re so whipped you don’t even know it.”

Bellamy closed his eyes. “Shut up.”

Miller gave a little shrug. “Did you two-“ he started with a raised eyebrow.

"What?"

“You know.”

Bellamy frowned, “No, I don’t know.”

“Did you at least tell her?”

Bellamy gave him a death stare.

“So you did. And now she hates you. Good job.”

Bellamy closed his eyes, “Will you please check on Indra and Gaia? We don’t have time for this.”

“Right,” Miller started to walk away as he mumbled, “Not my fault you’re a bad boyfriend,”

Bellamy’s mouth twitched.

How could he argue with that?

 

* * *

 

 

Madi looked at Bellamy and Gaia, who stood before her in the small room.

“Madi, do you know why they brought you here?” Gaia asked.

Madi shook her head.

Bellamy wanted her to feel safe, at least safe while she made her choice.

He wanted to believe he was giving her one.

“Hey, Madi, it's OK. No one's gonna hurt you.”

_Aren’t we about to hurt her now?_

Gaia spoke softly. “I told you, I would never force this on you, and I won't, but there are things happening now that they believe only the wisdom of the Commanders can save us from, and as much as I wish it wasn't so, I believe it, too.”

Bellamy didn’t really know if it was the wisdom that would save them, or simply the title.

“You're talking about the war,” Madi said. “But you've been teaching us to fight-”

“Some fights aren't worth fighting, Madi, not when there's another way,” Bellamy said. “Clarke made a deal with Diyoza for peace, and Octavia's too sick to accept it now, but Wonkru won't follow anyone else.”

It was the truth. They would listen to her.

“Clarke knows about this?” Madi asked, surprised.

“Yeah. She doesn't approve,” said Bellamy. He had to give her the truth. She already knew how much Clarke loved her, that she would never risk her life, unlike him.

“No. She wouldn't.”

Bellamy swallowed, placing his hands in his pockets.

“Bellamy, if I do this, she'll never forgive you.”

Bellamy already knew this. He knew there would be no going back, but he had to do what it takes to save her, to save his friends.

“Madi…” Gaia started to speak.

“- Just wait,” Madi turned to Bellamy. “What happens to Clarke if I don't do this?”

Bellamy looked at Gaia, who seemed just as lost.

The truth would have to be enough.

“Madi, I hate to put this one you,” Bellamy took a step forward. “If there was anything else I could do, I would, but this is how we stop the war. This is how we save that valley, your home, and my friends,” he paused. “This is how we save Clarke.”

Madi swallowed, and Bellamy saw in her eyes that she believed him.

 

* * *

 

 

The Ascension call chilled him to the bone.

He knew Clarke would also hear it.

“Ascende superius.”

When Gaia spoke to the flame, making it come alive, he wasn’t so sure about his plan anymore.

He felt his heart stop for a moment, time slowed down and Madi turned around, waiting.

The flame placed itself into her neck and as Madi screamed he forced himself to look at her.

A moment later she was lying in Gaia’s arms, unconscious.

“Clarke woke up right away,” he said kneeling down beside her. “Why- why isn't she waking up?”

He was about to lose it but Gaia was calm.

“Patience, The Flame affects every Commander differently.”

“You said you'd never done this before?” He said helping her carry Madi.

“I haven't, but I've been preparing for it my whole life. This collar will protect the Flame”, she closed it around Madi’s neck.

Just then Octavia’s men walked in with their guns, followed by her and Clarke.

Bellamy didn’t know what to do, he saw Clarke walking towards him and he couldn’t speak.

She had this look in her eyes, devastated and completely heart-broken.

She raised her hand but stopped herself, dropping it.

He knew she wanted to hit him. And maybe it would have hurt less than the way she looked at him as she went to Madi’s side.

“I need to get it out,” he heard her say.

“Clarke, no. The Flame is bonding with her mind,” Gaia stopped her. “If you take it out now before it's complete she may never wake up.”

“Quiet, traitor.” Octavia’s voice was a blade cutting through him.

“Do it, Clarke.”

Gaia faced Octavia.

“If you kill this child, you make her a martyr. You weaken yourself even more.”

“I can't,” Clarke whispered.

Octavia looked at her men. “Take them to the Rover.”

As she walked away, Clarke looked at Bellamy one last time.

He watched her leave, not knowing if this was his last chance to explain why he had to do it- to make her understand- but he was hollowed out, and not even a word came out of his mouth. He knew she had every right to be angry at him. Her eyes were so sad he hated himself for it.

And now, it was all in vain.

There was no going back… he’d lost Clarke for good.

He’d lost Octavia.

And now he was going to lose Echo, Raven, Murphy and Emori.

They were all lost to him.

Maybe Miller was right.

He wasn’t in a position to save anyone.

Not even himself.

 


	6. Failing the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added more Bellarke feelings to the scenes, just trying to make it better (hurt less). Enjoy!

“Madi… stop fighting me. We need to leave now.”

Clarke pushed her in the Rover and Madi faced her.

“If we run, Gaia, Indra, and Bellamy will die.”

Clarke swallowed, _Bellamy._

She couldn’t turn back now, not without putting Madi in danger. Octavia would kill her this time.

“They made their choice,” she said, frowning at how hard she sounded.

She got in the Rover, trying not to think of Bellamy. She couldn’t afford to turn back for him, it would definitely cost her Madi's life. She wasn’t even sure if she wanted to save him after what he did. How could he risk so much when he'd promised to keep Madi safe? 

She remembered the way he looked at her as she left with Madi. The sadness on his face, it hurt her to think about it but she was so angry with him. He’d broken her trust when-

“Clarke… we can’t leave them to die,” she heard Madi say.

“Don’t think about them now…” But that was exactly what she was doing. “We have to get to the Valley before Octavia-“

“She’ll kill him.”

Clarke shook her head, surely Octavia wouldn’t kill his own brother… _who had poisoned and betrayed her-_ would she?

“She won’t-“ she turned to see Madi’s closed eyes, worrying for a second and reached out to feel her pulse. She sighed, relaxing.

Half an hour later she heard Madi woke up, trying to open the door.

“Madi.” She slowed down.

“Get away from me. I'm going back,” Madi forced the door open, jumping down.

“Madi!” Clarke stopped the car and ran to Madi’s side, pushing her back.

“Oh, no, you're not. It's 50 miles to Polis.”

“Let me go!”

Clarke pushed her too hard, and made her fall down on the sand.

“Madi, I'm sorry. Are you OK?”

Madi glared at her. “I can’t believe you left them to die! Is running away your only solution?”

“C’mon,” Clarke said helping her up. “We need to get that thing out of your head. It’s messing with your-“

“I said _no_. It’s not doing anything! This is all me!”

“That thing is not staying in your head!”

“Yes, it is, and if you want to take it, you're gonna have to kill me.”

Clarke stared at her in shock.”Madi”

“What? You're willing to let Bellamy die! Indra and Gaia too. Why not me?”

Clarke shook her head. “It's not the same! I’m– get in the Rover!”

“No! Get off! Let me go!,” Madi said, her eyes wide. “Commanders don't run away.”

Clarke glared at her. “Well, it's a good thing you're not a Commander.”

Madi huffed.

“Because of you Octavia will get her war,” Madi said.

“Want to bet?” Clarke raised an eyebrow and told Madi her plan.

 

* * *

 

_You're willing to let Bellamy die!_

 

Madi’s voice echoed in her head.

 

Was she?

 

If she believed Octavia would kill Bellamy, she wouldn’t have left, she wouldn’t- not really.

But she left him behind anyway.

 

 _For betraying me_ , she thought. _For making Madi take the flame, for putting her in danger_.

Even though he knew what she meant to her.

 

She remembered the night in the tent, when they kissed.

_“I shouldn’t have left you…”  he’d said._

_“Bellamy we have no time for this.”_

_“There is never enough time.”_

_With that he’d kissed her softly, cupping her face,_

_Whispering he loved her._

 

Her heart ached so much she struggled to breathe.

Her face was soaked in tears. She glanced at Madi, sniffing, blinked away the tears, and kept driving.

 

* * *

 

 

Bellamy couldn’t stop thinking, replaying the moment Clarke left with Madi in his head. The way she looked at him, he’d broken her heart irrevocably, betrayed her trust. He wanted her to understand why he did it, he needed her to see that he had no other choice. He wondered how far away they were now. Had his sister let them leave- when she knew Madi was a threat to her as the Commander?

Were they safe? Was Clarke-

He almost laughed at his situation, he was still thinking of their safety when here he was, waiting to fight to death if not executed. A part of him didn’t believe his sister would let him die, and maybe he was being naive. The sister he knew wouldn’t do half of the things he’d witnessed since they’d landed.

He took a deep breath, wondering if there was a way out of this mess and found himself not really caring. He’d lost everyone, he’d failed- how could he save Echo and the others now? Would Clarke even want to see him again? When she left him.

He wanted to be mad at her, but ended up being mad at himself for thinking he could save everyone. Miller was right; no matter how smart he was, how careful, he couldn’t save everyone.

Even though he’d tried so hard to be the Head.

 

He’d failed his Heart.

He closed his eyes.

 

_Nothing else to do._

_Nothing else I can do to fix this._

 

He couldn’t help but think of the last time Clarke smiled at him… when she kissed him back, so soft and warm in his arms.

 

_Breathing against his lips and holding him close._

Her words burned in his mind.

_“I waited 6 years for you to come back to me! Don’t you think I want this? I love you!“_

 

He remembered how soft her mouth was, how good it felt to finally touch her as he meant to all those years, her hands setting his skin on fire, and the way she cried as she kissed him...

 

And now he’d lost her.

  
 

* * *

 

 

When Octavia came to speak to him, Bellamy wondered what could she possibly say. Was she going to tell him he betrayed her, his own sister? He was ready to hear how much of a disappointment he was, how he let her down. Instead she began to talk about their childhood.

“Remember lily pads? God, you used to hate that game. Jumping from table to chair to bed…”

He remembered, his heart aching, but he kept quiet. He was wringing his hands nervously… not knowing if there was anything to say.

“The first one who touches the ground loses,” Octavia said softly.

 _Yup,_ he thought.

“But you never once said no, and you always let me win.”

He sighed, looking down. Maybe that wasn’t so smart of him but he wouldn’t change those moments for anything.

“Do you remember the last time we played? I cut my lip. I bled all over the place. I was so worried that someone would see it on the floor and find me, but you took care of that.”

He remembered, he glanced down at his arm.

“You cut your own arm open so people would think it was your blood. Long way from that to poisoning me.”

Bellamy touched the scar.

“Not really,” he said softly.

He turned to look at her. “I did that to save you, too,"

 _Not just Clarke..._ he thought.

"from yourself, from fighting a war that could destroy the last survivable land on earth.”

Octavia glared at him, “Well, you'll be happy to know that the worms are gone. Clarke took them along with the usurper you tried to replace me with.”

Bellamy winced at the mention of Clarke but felt an inevitable sense of relief, knowing now that she was safe with Madi. At least he hoped she was. But he felt his sadness shift to anger, he also knew that Octavia wouldn’t give up so easily.

“And you're still ready to go to war, even though Indra has told you how many of your people would die? What kind of leader does that?”

“You have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Don't I?” He turned to her, looking around him. “O, you turned this place into a story from your childhood. I mean, the Red Queen? It's a joke.”

Octavia frowned, looking away.

“And I can still tell when you're scared,” Bellamy said.

“I came here to save your life. Now I'm not so sure I should.” Octavia said, standing up.

“Well, this should be good,” Bellamy scoffed.

“Indra has a weakness. Her shoulder never fully healed from the bullet Pike put in her the last time you chose the wrong side in a war.”

Bellamy didn’t let her comment get to him.

“So you came here to help me kill the woman who made you who you are.”

“I love Indra I do but she's not my blood. You are. Now make her take the hammer. It's too heavy to wield with one arm. That means you need to get the sword.”

Bellamy couldn’t take it anymore. “Octavia, would you listen to yourself?”

“Gaia will go for the staff, and you'll worry about her after you take out Indra. Tell me you understand,” she said, her voice a plea.

“I wish I did.” Bellamy shook his head, hoping he could make her come to her senses. “I wish I knew what made you this way, and I wish that I could have been here to take the burden off you these last 6 years, but I'm here now.”

He watched Octavia’s desperate face and he continued.

“The way I see it, you have two choices. You either call this thing off and make a deal to share the valley, or you watch me die in that arena today because I'm not fighting.”

Octavia stared at him, hesitating for a moment, then something shifted in her eyes.

“Everybody fights,” she said.

“I won't.”

“We'll see.”

As she turned away and started to walk, Bellamy tried one last time.

“There's no coming back from this, O. If you do this, there's no coming back.”

Octavia turned to him, “I know you're still trying to save me, Bell, but you can't save someone who's already dead.”

He felt his heart drop, his eyes burning. He wanted to reach out to her and comfort her but he couldn’t.

His little sister was gone.

The gate opened and closed, and he stood there, alone for a long moment before he let himself drown in tears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you like the changes I made. I appreciate kudos and comments!


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